The Art of Setting Boundaries for Anger: 10.5 Liters of Coffee

Some of our days begin with pouring coffee. A lot of coffee. Sometimes as much as 10.5 liters in one morning.

We meet many people here whose lives are not easy. Sometimes life is downright harsh. When problems pile up (benefits, housing, food, childcare), frustration can become unbearable, and people may “flip out.” Trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is completely fired up is pointless.

That is why we use the “coffee-first” method. First, we sit down calmly. We offer a safe space and a limited amount of time to express anger and frustration. This process (which can sometimes be a difficult balancing act) creates the necessary calm. Venting is allowed, within boundaries, if the goal is to regain composure as quickly as possible.

Only when that calm has been restored do we explore whether there is room for a meaningful conversation. If the calm does not come, we postpone the conversation. The moment is simply not there yet. First coffee and calming down. Every so often that also means we listen to someone for 5 minutes and then leave them alone for a while. We are “busy with someone else for a moment” to prevent person 1 from spiraling further. For now, say nothing. Here is some coffee. Not now; just breathe on your own for a moment.

That 10.5 liters in one morning? That is about 42 mugs of coffee, enough for around 35 people. Those are 35 opportunities to make contact. But every time it is a tense interaction, a process that requires a great deal of energy. After such a morning, we ourselves frequently also need a moment of rest.