Who are we not helping….

A question we sometimes get in the next one: why don’t you help X? Or: why don’t you participate in project Y? Let’s give some examples of that with an explanation, why not.

In a distant (gray) past I once passed my PRINCE2® Practitioner exam. That is a project management method where you not only describe (In a project plan) what is included in your project…but also what is not included. The weird thing is that the exceptions (what is not included in your project) were sometimes described for pages and pages longer than what was included. The reason? Avoiding risk. If you’re not careful, your project will get completely stuck on “side issues”, which can be interesting… but don’t belong in your project.

And as my grandmother always said: “whoever wants to say yes must also dare to say no”. So let’s take a look at what we don’t do: (and please, do read between the lines)

We only help people who want to be helped.

Huh? Everyone who knocks on your door would like to get help, right? Well, no.

Example: Sometimes we come across people asking for help, but if we ask further it turns out that it is not their question, but that of an acquaintance who thinks that person needs help. In itself, it’s a good start to a conversation, but we have to be sure that the person in question really wants it himself, or that it is more a question of “I don’t want to, but I’m here under (peer) pressure”. That does not work. Not for the person in question, but also not for us. We can only help you if you want to be helped yourself.

We only help people who aim to change.

Suppose someone would like to be helped with a problem, but does not want to tackle the cause of that problem… well… then it becomes very difficult too impossible to do something about it together. So also there, only if you want and want to change what goes / went wrong, can we help. Otherwise, not.

Example: A homeless person who still drinks alcohol and does not want to stop. That’s a no-go. We don’t even pay for one sandwich because if you had money for Vodka, you had money for bread. If we are going to pay for your bread now, you will still buy Vodka for the money you have saved by not buying bread, and your problem will only get bigger. We’re not going to work on that.

We only help people we can help.

Our knowledge (and everyone’s) is limited, we are (literally) not God.

Example: Someone who has such a complex problem that we don’t know how to tackle it properly. Then we may be able to solve 10%, but then you will be left with 90% of the problems. Then we give them a false hope by working with that 10%, but the rest… is so complex… that the 10% disappears like snow in the sun. At that point, we would rather choose an honest “no” and try to refer to another person, (if possible) than to “mess” with it ourselves.

We only help people within our target groups and within our mission.

The mission is to promote mental health, healing and wellness for people of all ages in a compassionate and loving environment that is consistent with the core Christian values upon which we are founded. The mission is rooted in the belief that you can be there as a human being, just as you are. Accordingly, we respect and care for the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of those we serve.

Example: although we (especially M) find seals very sweet, and he finds it very sad when they have no food, a seal is not a human being, and the seal’s request for help does not fit in our mission at all. (mental health, healing and wellness for people of all ages)

And let’s be honest, there are other initiatives (for seals) that are specially designed for this purpose, have all the knowledge and skills, and who are we to think we can do a better job than them.

We only help people who fit within the vision we have.

What was that vision? The foundation’s vision is to be the hands of Christ through expressions of mercy and
love. We commit to core Christian values upon which we are founded, which enable us to carry out God’s work with integrity and compassion.

Example: Client X has a problem that we humanly can never, never ever, solve. We do see a solution that God wants to offer them, but they don’t want to hear from God, even more extreme, they are against God completely.

Then it ends for us (unfortunately). From a human point of view, there are so many problems for which we have no solution, but for which God wants to be your answer, or at least can can be your guide to a solution. If you are actively against this, then we cannot help you further. And that is sometimes extremely painful to see, but once again, we are not God. Some problems are just to big for us.

We only help people if we see progress they are making themselves.

That’s a tricky one because what is progress and let’s face it, it can take a while before you can see progress. But still, we look at it.

Example: Suppose we see a problem with client X. We give the client tips on how to deal with it, but the client literally does nothing with it. Yes, it may take a while for it to let it sink in, or for the client to understand it, but somewhere we need to see something happen after a while. If nothing happens, we are honest and we (unfortunately) have to stop. This may mean that the client is not ready yet and that he/she will come back later when he/she is ready.

We do not help someone if it is at the expense of our own health.

Sounds logical, right? Well, that’s quite a tricky one.

Example: If someone shows up on your doorstep at midnight… what do you do? We will certainly open the door and will certainly get to work. However, that may mean that we cancel another client for the next day, or otherwise we will not be able to keep up ourselves. We also immediately make an appointment (with the midnight customer) on how we can prevent things going wrong again in the middle of the night the next time. That’s how the client keeps up, that’s how we keep it up.

We do not help someone if it is at the expense of other clients.

Sounds very logical, doesn’t it? And, once again, it’s difficult.

Example: Suppose we have group therapy where there is one client who has a major, multiple problem. Group therapy is well suited for “simple” problems, but if someone (for example) has a personality disorder that completely disrupts the group dynamics… then that setting is not the right one and group therapy is not suitable for that person. For example, we can offer a 1:1 session, but it is also possible that we are not the correct person for this problem. And yes, that is difficult, but otherwise it will be at the expense of 7 other clients… and that is a no-go.

We only help people who really have an honest request for help.

Uhhh…. are there people who have a false request for help? Yes unfortunately there are… A lot of them…

Example: Can you please help me with food and clothes? And if we look at what they did with it…. They resell it and then bought luxury goods for it…. And no, we will not help with that question for help. Or: If you are properly insured, have plenty of money in your account… why do we have to help you for free and also say to someone else (who has no money): sorry, we have run out of money… That is also a no-go, and we can therefore also do not help that person. We live on donations, and the help we give is for free. So, we will check if you qualify for it fairly, or whether you would be better off with regular, paid help.

We can only help people if there is money for it.

Yes, everyone understands that… right?

Example: the therapy rooms, the practical projects for the homeless, transport to and from “gigs”, a cup of coffee, everything(!) has to be paid for by someone and our funds are not infinite. And if there is no money to provide good help, it stops, or we don’t start at all. And that happens too often, very painful indeed. The demand is colossal, but renting a building, renting rooms, food, it costs money. And we prefer to say honestly: “sorry, we would like to help, but we don’t have the money”, than falsely “we are going to help you… but deliver moldy bread”…. both literally and figuratively, we don’t do that. What we start, we finish, and with a good quality. If we see at the beginning that we cannot financially achieve the end, we will not start it either. And that is sad, to say the least.

We don’t take anyone else’s bread away.

Suppose someone comes to us who earns a normal salary and can afford regular help, and that help is also available. Then we will not help. There are two reasons for that. 1: Our help is intended for people who cannot afford it and 2, if someone can afford it, and we are going to give that help away for free… then we are actually indirectly taking away a social worker (who has a paid job) his bread.

Are there exceptions?

Of course. As the saying goes: “The exception proves the rule” and that is no different on this side. The above are therefore not hard rules either, but we do steer with them. Because… as my grandmother always said: “whoever wants to say yes must also dare to say no”

And saying no is very hard. Because in all honesty, we would love to help everyone… but that is, unfortunately, humanly impossible. So regularly, and that hurts very often, we say no….. Would we like to help everything and everyone? Yes. Can we? No, Unfortunately not…