Listening. Why that is VERY necessary…
Today I had a conversation with X. She was a minor, and her question was very simple: (whether you are Christian or not, read to the end…)
Is sex before marriage a sin?
That seems like a simple question, and you could answer it with:
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.
Hebrews 13:4
Theologically that is correct… but… I first asked her what she thinks about whether it is OK. Her answer was a very clear no. And then she said…
I didn’t want to, but my boyfriend forced me to have sex with him, and he used violence to do so. Have I sinned now?
And that changed the whole conversation… yhis young lady was raped. And that is NOT good. And for all kinds of (wrong) reasons, she also thought it was her fault, she was afraid that God could never forgive her, and she was also afraid that she might now be pregnant…
So we discussed whether “forcing people into something” is real love (her answer was clear: no) or whether that boyfriend is really a friend if he did so (ditto: no) and that it was not her fault, but that “boyfriend” did sin and not her. She is the victim and not the perpetrator…
We concluded the conversation with a prayer and discussed together how she could start the conversation with her parents. (as in now) In her culture, this will not be an easy conversation, but it is a conversation that really needs to happen. A conversation with a lot of love for this victim, a conversation about healing, a conversation about “what’s next”…
The lesson for us all? If someone says something to you, don’t say something right away, or don’t immediately start throwing Bible verses, but listen first. Take the time. The initial question may sometimes deviate from the entire story… and only if we take the time to listen, we can have a real conversation and give the correct answers. If we don’t do that, we might just make a big problem even bigger… Oops…
Listening and patience: Not always easy, but very necessary.
