Dating, love and masks….

Several times a month we receive questions about “dating”.

Dating is a stage of romantic relationships in which two individuals engage in an activity together, most often with the intention of evaluating each other’s suitability as a partner in a future intimate relationship. It falls into the category of courtship, consisting of social events carried out by the couple either alone or with others.

Dating seems easy, but in practice it is not, and we see this in the questions we receive about it. Because during dating, you also try to find out who the other person is and whether you have similarities that can help you move forward. And that’s quite exciting! So exciting that it could sometimes scare you. But that’s strange, because we all know this verse:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

Well, let’s look a little further than just that one verse and let’s take the whole section because if we only read the above, then there is no room for fear when you are dating???? Well… what does it say immediately before and after that verse?

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.

1 John 4:12-21

Oops… so it’s not about love between people, but about God His love. Wow… OK.. oops…, now it’s becoming very, very different… If we love God, with the definition of love as it is stated in that piece, then we no longer have to fear God’s judgment. Ah! In other words, verse 18 alone won’t do anything when it comes to dating. If we only take that verse, we are taking one verse out of context, and that is something we should absolutely not do. End of story, that verse is not intended to explain the love between 2 people, and we should not twist that verse in such a way to do so. That’s wrong.

But now that we are working on that part of 1 John 4 anyway… That love that is described there, that love that God has, that love is perfect. God is perfect, He does not play games and says very clearly how His love works, that God His love is not always unconditional, but can also be conditional. And with dating between people, you immediately see a problem rising…

Because we are human, not perfect (that’s putting it mildly…) and during dating there are sometimes many, many “games” being played…

In addition, quite a few masks are put on during dating… everyone tries to pretend to be better than they really are.

I sometimes call that Ikea dating. Everything looks perfectly white, there is no dirt on the ground anywhere, beautiful brochures, relatively cheap, quick to assemble.

But is that real? Is that quality?

And as long as we have those masks on our faces, are we on a real date?? He only shows 80% of who he really is (if it is even 80%) and hides 20% under the rug. She does the same and also hides 20% under the rug. Together they have now pushed 40% under the rug… and later found out that the relationship did not work after all. Whose fault is that??

Then it is easy to say that it was the other person’s fault that things went bad, but how honest were we ourselves? Really and truly?

And now one step deeper: do we even know who we are? Really and truly? Or do we secretly wear a mask when we look at ourselves in the mirror? It is quite difficult to look at ourselves critically. What do I really think, what do I really think of myself, what are my norms and values, what is my self-image or my self-worth? (for example)
In our practice, we encounter many people who cannot yet answer those types of questions, and that is actually logical. Because only as you get older do you get to know yourself better, so that really takes time and “miles”. Let alone if you have had setbacks in your life, “getting to know yourself” does not become easier, on the contrary! We can’t expect a one-year-old baby to understand that, right? So, we need time to learn.

And when we are (let’s take an age) 21, we think we already know a lot, when I was 21 I thought the same. But honestly, when I look back on it now, I really didn’t know anything. I didn’t have a clue. With all the consequences that entails because, even at that age, we all make decisions that we will take with us for the rest of our lives. If you really think about that, that’s scary!! How can this “dating” ever work?

And then it all gets even more complicated. If we (fictionally) only know 80% of who we are (20% is unclear)… and of that 80% that is still there, we also show 80% to someone else (and take away another 20%)… then we show the other only 60% or our real “me”??? And the other one does the same thing… so of the 200% that people should be together, only 120% remains and 80% has disappeared? One guess why there is so much fuss in relationships and where that fuss comes from: from that 80% that the two people together have “forgotten”. Or more honestly: hidden behind a mask, put under the rug…

And when you look at it that way, the “dating thing” is extremely complicated! If those two people together have to become 100% again, and you then look at it… yes, then you also understand that things can often go wrong… what a puzzle!

By the way, we don’t all consciously put those masks on. We have a handle on one part, but another part may be more complicated. The world is not perfect, and we learned from a very young age to deal with a world that is rotten. One of those ways to protect yourself is to put on a mask. Unfortunately, you have to do that; otherwise you won’t survive. But if you are not careful, that mask becomes something of your own and you no longer even realize that you are playing “games”. And then we have a huge problem.

In other words, if you want to date, before you start, you must know very well who you are and also be honest about which masks you still have to lose first. That takes time, that takes effort, but… that is also a key to success! Being honest is complicated, even with yourself, but you don’t have to do it alone. On the contrary:

I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity. All these things I have given willingly and with honest intent. And now I have seen with joy how willingly your people who are here have given to you.

1 Chronicles 29:17

God wants to help you to look at yourself very honestly, and He wants to help you repair what has been broken in all these years. All those masks that you had to put on to survive, He would like to help you take them off. And you don’t have to be afraid of Him if He really sees who you really are. (see that earlier part from 1 John 4:12-21)

If you know, with God’s help, who you are, then finding that right partner suddenly becomes a lot easier! No more “games” needed, no more masks, wonderful! And beware: then dating suddenly becomes a lot less stressful. Because now that you know who you are together with God, you are standing firm in the shoes that God has given you. That’s huge! That saves a lot of stress! And what the other person thinks of you is suddenly no longer important. That other person can then also love the real “you” for who you really are. Not about what you do or what you don’t do. That no longer matters, it is 100% about who you are and who the other person is.

And yes, it takes time to honestly get to know yourself. To take off the masks, but if you do, then there is the following promise if you really, 100%, do that together with God:

An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

Proverbs 24:26

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:12

Together with God, a relationship with another person is not 1+1=2, but is a threefold cord. Wow. And if we don’t do that? Yes… then we create our own problems. Don’t do that, take off your masks, look at yourself first before you even look at anyone else. Do it. Now.