Gossiping or “sharing prayer request”…

Leestijd / Lesezeit / Reading time: 5 min

Paul (Member of a church council somewhere in the world) asked the following:

Would you like to pray with me for Olivia, because he had heard something about Olivia! So unchristian like! Olivia must listen to God and change her behavior!

I first asked Paul how he heard about it. Had he heard that from Olivia herself, or did he witness what he describes….?

No, he had heard that from someone else…. He had not yet spoken to Olivia.

Okay, but then how do you know if that’s true?

Well, he had heard it from Robert, who was highly regarded in the church, and since they were on the church council together, and had known each other for years, it had to be right.

My next question was: does the problem exist between Robert and Olivia, or did Robert perhaps hear about it from someone else?

No, it was something that was not between Robert and Olivia…

My last questions were: has Robert already had a personal conversation with Olivia about this (1:1), have you already had a personal conversation (1:1) with Olivia or has anyone already had a conversation with Olivia about this? The answer to that was:

No.

Then Paul asked me if he could tell me what he had heard from Robert about Olivia. My answer to that was:

No. I don’t even want to know.

And Paul was a bit shocked by that. But it was really unchristian behavior! And she was really into it. Then I asked the following question:

Was Olivia’s behavior a sin (on a Biblical basis) or was it behavior that he didn’t think fit, wasn’t his taste or wasn’t chic? Phew, then it was quiet for a while…. and the answer then was:

And with that, we came to the next points that Paul started to understand…. if you haven’t been there yourself, then you already don’t know so much about the context, how can you judge it….. You may have one piece of the puzzle, but you don’t have the whole puzzle….

And yes, some things are so black and white (pictures of Olivia in a porn scene), then it is immediately clear, you think, but also there….. lets imagine… you have seen a picture of Olivia in a porn setting….

When was that photo taken? Years ago? When Oliva was not yet a Christian? Perhaps she has now stopped that behavior, confessed her sins and God has already forgiven her for it?

For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.

Jeremiah 31:34

If that’s the case, what’s the problem? What are we talking about? But we don’t know all that… because we haven’t spoken to Olivia. I don’t, but neither does Paul…. nor Robert…..

And we went a little further in the conversation with Paul…. We went to see what the bible says when we think we encounter such things.

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.

If they listen to you, you have won them over.

But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’

If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church

Matthew 18:15-17a

Those rules have a reason, and we now see that reason in the conversation with Paul. Paul has heard something from Robert, and Paul already has his opinion completely ready before he has spoken to Olivia. What is true, what is the context? Paul has no idea, he thinks(!) he knows a lot and already has his opinion (or judgment!) completely ready. Truusje has already been completely done for…..

Even if Paul would start a conversation with Olivia now, the conversation has been (dark) colored from the start. An honest and open conversation between Paul and Olivia is frankly impossible, and it will certainly not run “flawlessly” anymore because Paul has already a huge opinion about her…..

And now Paul asked: what should I do now?

Well, let’s see (with the rules of Matthew 18:15-17a in mind) what you should have done:

1: Dear Robert, have you already spoken to Olivia? If not, then I can’t and don’t want to do anything with it. What you are doing is not biblical and not correct, and that is a sin.

2: If you have already spoken to Olivia, what was her reaction and was it a sin or a matter your own taste? If it’s not a sin, it’s not part of a conversation between you and me.

3: If it’s a sin (and I’m convinced of that too, as far as that’s possible with just your info), let’s go to Olivia together and start the conversation with her.

4: When we are there, I witness the conversation and I can also determine, independently of you, whether it is a sin. If so, we will explain this to Olivia and offer her help to stop with it.

5: if Olivia listens in step 1, 2, 3 or 4, its like the bible states: “if she listens to you, you have won your sister.” and it stops right there. Full stop.

6: if she doesn’t listen to that, only then will we continue:

If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church;

and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

Matthew 18:17-20

In the end, we prayed for Paul and for Robert. May God give them the wisdom, love and patience to deal with such matters.

And if(!) it turns out from the conversation between Robert and Olivia (If Robert ever starts the conversation….) that it could be a sin…and(!) Olivia shows no repentance, go with Robert as a witness so that there is no ambiguity whatsoever about what it is about. Both on Olivia’s side…. as well as on Robert’s side….

Let’s be careful not to start looking at someone as “a pagan or a tax collector” on the basis of “nothing” and misusing “prayer topics” as gossip. Especially in the church…. That’s a sin.

(The names have been changed to protect those involved)