Am I still alive?

Every year I receive a form called “Declaration of Life” form from the Dutch government.

Now I understand that because I sometimes wonder that too, like this week… which is tough, very tough… Because is life “that your heart beats” or is there more to life? When are you really alive?

If you look at my laundry list of “flaws”, it will not make you happy from a human point of view. There is “quite a bit” broken. At the “peak” more than 40 prescribed pills were taken per day and are you still alive if you take all of them? You are quite a bit “buttered” and have no idea what is happening around you. To the outside world, everything seems “normal”, you also react to things, but it is not a real reaction and don’t ask me a day later what happened… so were those reactions your own? Phew, that’s a complicated question. Suppose you wrap your car around a lamppost (because you really think nothing is wrong if you take those pills!), are you guilty or not? In the Netherlands they have a nice word for that: you’re unreasonable by law. #lol Only the average outside world doesn’t realize that… they think you are accountable… oops…

I now live on 1 or no pill a day and that also has major consequences… those pills were there for a reason (the doctor did not agree with me stopping everything) so now you have a mountain of pain again. Which makes the average person immediately run to the doctor, and so on “some” more things… I sometimes compare it with a toothache, only times 100 (at least) and they last all day (and night!) and then not in your teeth, but everywhere under those broken vertebrae… always, with every movement. And then we haven’t even mentioned the other things that are broken… but he!… I do feel alive again now! #blessed

So that life… it costs quite a bit… somewhere I pay a hefty price to be able to live again…

But thanks to that benefit, we can do some of our work in Poland (not all, so hint, hint, click here) and that is quite a blessing. So yes, I pay quite a price with my health… every day… the pain is sometimes unbearable… but yes…. without that pain… we couldn’t have been here (humanly speaking)… is that pain (and the rest) bad if you look at The big picture? Exciting question, right? How do I look at it myself?

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

And financially? No, that’s not a party either. I sometimes call this “the most expensive hobby I have ever had #lol”, but the thing is… it is not a hobby, but a calling…from God… which we have to(!) do in Poland… but also there…

as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things.

2 Corinthians 6:10

Even in weeks like these, when things are tough… sometimes very tough… because let’s be honest… I’m alive! And that is a miracle in itself.