Why do you love someone?

Today I had a conversation with someone about relationships. How do you find the right partner, what is love? Is John the right person for me?

What it ultimately came down to was the question: why do you love someone?

When I once met my wife, I wasn’t attracted to her cooking, but to who she is. The first time, we didn’t even see each other, so I didn’t like her because of how she looked. I also didn’t like her because she was so good at something. I didn’t like her because she had a great car or because she gave me nice things. (bling bling) None of that was important. I don’t love her for what she does, what things she has, what she gives to me or what she can do for me.

I love her for who she is.

And that’s critical. Because:

• Suppose I fell in love with her because she can cook so well… but… she loses both hands and suddenly can’t do that anymore. Then the point of why I love her is suddenly over? Then what?
• Suppose… tomorrow she gets seriously ill… and I loved her for what she does… but she can’t do anything anymore because of that illness. Then the point of why I love her is suddenly over? Then what?

When you love someone for what they do, that love is built on sand and not on solid rock. That sand (things or what does someone do for you) washes away pretty quickly. At the first storm it stops, and we pull the plug and walk away. “It did not work” …

That’s why it’s so important to love someone not for what they does or provide, but for whom that person is. What is the character of that person is what counts. What that person does or gives is not necessary.

And that also means that you have to be VERY honest about who you really are. Who are you really, or are you playing a game, an act, a role-play? Do you “role play” to your date to appear different/prettier? Are you perhaps even playing tricks on yourself? People fall for that and then fall for relationships based on your acting. You have pretended to be different from who you really are, so the other person has also fallen for that false representation of you… how long will that last? And who will be blamed when it all crashes? You, the actor, or do you also blame the other person for it?

Another thing: let’s be honest… I have no right to what my wife does for me or gives to me. Nothing. If she wants to do something for me, that is up to her, and it is her love that determines that. She decides whether she thinks that is good for me and (because she is MUCH smarter than me) often sees the bigger picture way better whether it is smart to give me X or Y. Do I give M a new toy train today, or do I teach him patience, do I save the money for tomorrow or is there some other good reason that I don’t understand? (Because I’m usually not that smart)

Because I love her for who she is (character), I trust her completely and that future with her is built on solid ground.

And now a little deeper. Why do you love God? Because he does something for you, or because of who He is?

• If God doesn’t give you what you want… because He has a good reason for it (that you don’t know or understand), then that love is over? Now what?

Do we love Him for what He does (or will do) or for who He is? Or is it actually all for what He does for me, me, me, me. If you do that, you will notice that that love goes quite “up and down” and is certainly not resistant to storms.

God does not fall for theatrics. He knows exactly who you are and what kind of games you play. And He will only enter into a relationship with you if you are honest with Him. Who are you really? Do you love Him for who He is or what He does? Can God actually love you if you only love Him for what He has done for you or is going to do for you? Who are you?

If you want love from someone else, be honest, love them for who they are and really show them who you are. Only then can real love arise. And from that love He will give you something very beautiful…. That will follow automatically. But if your foundation is not good… your house will collapse eventually.

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

Matthew 7:24-27

And at the end of the conversation, the questioner knew he had to stop looking for a partner who he could love for how she looked, how much bling she has and more of that kind of thing. But could he stop that search and trust that “naturally”, through God, someone will come who he loves, because of who she is. That gave him peace of mind.