What am I reading, and what does someone really mean? Assumptions…

Before we start therapy or counseling (in any form or way), we always ask what the client wants to talk about. So, what are your questions?

Some we offer a session it in a 1:1 setting (in person, on location), the other time it is by telephone, e-mail or chat. (or a mix) When we receive questions by email, someone always puts in a “subject”. And then you see something interesting…

Example 1: subject: Life problems
That’s an easy one because with such a topic you already know for sure that there is a whole story behind it. So by default you will ask what those problems are, and then it turns out to be problems within relationships and that the person lost his job. The name of the topic forces you to ask further questions. But now…get this one:

Example 2: subject: prayer requested
Ah, that’s an easy one! Prayer, fifteen minutes of work, and we handled that in no time! Or… ? Nope.

This person wanted prayer that God would help with her shame. And yes, then you can start a prayer together, but what was that person ashamed of? In the end, it turned out to be about demonic possession and the image this person had with “church”. Wow! Then suddenly we are no longer talking about something as simple as prayer. What a difference!

Example 3: subject: I feel so lost
You would think that will be a fairly easy conversation. Yes, feeling lost is not fun (to put it mildly), but we can talk about it in a fairly easy way. That can’t be a complicated topic to talk about. However…..

Well… with further questions, why do you feel so lost, (and that is still quite difficult for many people to put into words) the conversation turned to addiction, school, loneliness, suicide…

Do you see the trend in the topics and the outcomes? On to the last example:

Example 4: subject: frustration
This one also seems easy. I guess, someone is frustrated about something, and they probably want to know how to deal with it so that those frustrations don’t take over their life. If that is your life’s question, then you have a beautiful life. Or…..?

Wrong. Very wrong indeed. In the end, it turned out to be sexual abuse in his childhood, completely disturbed family relationships, suicide attempts and now preparing for the next attempt. He initially expressed that he dad some “frustrations” to talk about…. But when we dug a little further… it turned out there was more, much more, behind it…

As you can see, in 99% of the cases it is absolutely not clear what it is about. You start a conversation, and it ends up being about something entirely different. Not only is it not clear to us, but in a high percentage of cases it is also not clear to the requesting party. They feel lonely, but why… plenty of people don’t even think about that or can’t get that deep. But only when you have tackled the cause of that loneliness can you start working towards recovery.

One last example?

Bonus example: topic: being happy. (this person also specifically stated to be a Christian)
Why is that a topic for you? Because I don’t feel happy. Why aren’t you happy? Because I think I deserve it and God has to give it to me. Why do you think you deserved that? Because I’m a good person after all. Why do you think you are a good person? Well, I live my life without harming anyone. Why should God help you to be happy then? Because I don’t hurt anyone. What do you do for God then? Nothing… Do you ever listen to God? No……. Are you doing more for God or for someone else, than just doing them no harm? No… Is living your life, without harming anyone, “good”? Well… yeah… i’am not sure now that you ask….. What does the Bible actually say about “good”? No idea….. Do you ever sin? No… Who is God to you: love… (full stop)

And that was just the beginning…. Because then you have to talk about what is “good”, what is “love”, who is this “god” you believe in, how can you earn happiness, and on and on and on…..

Reminds me of the following verse:

The first one to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and cross-examines him.

Proverbs 18:17

How often do we, as humans, fall for it? Someone says something, and we immediately think we know what it is about… and also very quickly give an answer to the initial question… which turns out… was actually not the question at all… and also have our judgment ready…. And with that false info… we put someone in a box, thinking we are helping, but the bottom line is… we are not helping. On the contrary.. you think “that went fine”, but the questioner still has no answer and is more frustrated: “another person who didn’t listen”….

The lesson for today, for everyone: ask questions. Always. Why, why, why, why? Chances are that only after the 7th why, you get to the real why. If you hit the gas pedal at the first “why”… it could turn out to be creating a terrible accident. Be careful…