The Pastor’s Daughter and the Flamingo

I spoke today with a daughter of a pastor who was struggling with a problem.

Her parents had been living separately for years without being formally divorced (“separated from bed and board”). Mother did not want to divorce (she could not justify it Biblically), and father felt that mother should now apply for a divorce in court, because he (if he made that application) would otherwise be expelled from the church.

There were things that had happened at home for which the daughter had confronted her father (I will spare the details…), but she was not listened to. Even when friends were present to point out his sinful behavior, nothing changed. Eventually, they took it to the church… but they did nothing with it either, because the pastor “was a man of God” and you were not allowed to let him down.

The friends declared the daughter crazy and said that she (the daughter) was wrong. Now the daughter was troubled by it and asked for advice. Well… what do you say then?

Was / is the daughter crazy?

Matthew 18:15-17 (NASB) 15 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that on the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

What the daughter did – first a one-on-one conversation, then with witnesses, and then to the church – is completely correct according to the Bible.

What the church did with it… well. I then asked her the following question:

With everything you know now, what do you think? Is every building that says church on it a church?

She understood exactly what I meant and, more importantly, what Matthew 18 says: why it is written that way and what happens if we do not do what the Bible prescribes. It often only makes the situation worse. However painful, this gave her room to acknowledge what she already suspected: that verse 17 was not followed, with all its consequences. Also for her.

Is the father still a pastor?

A pastor is an “overseer,” someone who oversees the church. Titus 1:6-9 says what such a person must meet:

Titus 1:6-9 (NASB) 6 namely, if any man is beyond reproach, the husband of one wife, having children who believe, not accused of indecent behavior or rebellion. 7 For the overseer must be beyond reproach as God’s steward, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not overindulging in wine, not a bully, not greedy for money, 8 but hospitable, loving what is good, self-controlled, righteous, holy, disciplined, 9 holding firmly the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching, so that he will be able both to exhort in sound doctrine and to refute those who contradict it.

I asked her if she thought it was biblically correct that her father can no longer be a pastor. Her answer was clear: that is correct. Her father no longer meets the criteria:

• beyond reproach
• husband of one wife
• not accused of indecent behavior or rebellion
• not self-willed
• not righteous
• not holy

And because he also did not listen to this Bible verse and did not hold fast to sound doctrine, he can no longer be a pastor according to the Bible.

I also asked her the question:

The daughter understood: I am not crazy, I am not wrong. What the bible, God’s word says, is true, so what I thought, what I was already afraid of, is also true.

But well… there was still one question:

But how could I deal with it now?

She indicated that her faith was quite shaky, sometimes on the verge of exploding, because trust in her father the pastor and thus also in God The Father.. that was now enormously complicated. We then dove further into the bible and came (among others) to the following points:

You are not alone in this issue:

Psalm 34:18 (NASB) The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

People change, sometimes do strange things that are not good. God never changes:

Hebrews 13:8 (NASB) Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Divorce can evoke resentment toward one or both parents. The Bible warns to prevent bitterness from taking root. Bring your anger to God in prayer and ask His help to forgive, even if it takes time to reach reconciliation with your parents.

Hebrews 12:15 (NASB) See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.

If you are angry, be angry at the real cause of this misery. This prevents your anger from turning into bitterness toward (in this case) your father, which could close doors you might want to keep open. And who is the cause of this misery?

1 Peter 5:8 (NASB) Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Exodus 20:12 (NASB) “Honor your father and your mother”

This one also remains in effect, even in a more complex situation. But…. showing honor does not mean you have to agree with everything they have done. It can mean that you treat both with respect and remain loving without feeling forced to “choose” between them.

Find healing in God’s family:

Ephesians 2:19 (NASB) So then you are no longer strangers and foreigners, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and are of God’s household.

When you feel your own family is divided, leaning on God’s family can offer you stability, mentorship and encouragement. Surround yourself with fellow believers who can pray with you and guide you on your life’s journey.

This gave her support. Through us, she sought support from her Divine family and realized that she is not crazy, but that her father truly has a big problem. Next time, we will continue with her on this theme.

After a (much) longer conversation, we concluded with prayer. Will you pray along for her and her family?